A big permission slip to show up, just as you are:
Permission to be imperfect
Permission to fuck urgency, and go slow
Permission to release binary thinking
Permission to cackle, long and loud
Permission to complain
Permission to create for creativity’s sake
Permission to reject perfectionism, hyper-indendependence, and the need to know it all
Permission to gather just to enjoy each other’s company
Permission to connect
Permission to be messy and color outside the lines
Permission to leave something unfinished
Permission to break the rules and go rouge
Permission to hang back and quietly count your stitches while the conversation flows around you like a warm embrace
Permission to rip it up and start again
Or not
Once a month Join from the comfort of your own space, and be received, without shame or agenda, without expectation without the productivity grind
And maybe plant the seeds of something bigger
Of course you can do it alone But you don’t have to
Come sit in the circle
You’re welcome
Hello!
I’m Janine. My pronouns are she/her.
I am an anti-capitalist crone, post-trauma growth coach, and consensual copywriter.
I strive daily to identify and unlearn the voices of white heteronormative patriarchy that are insidiously planted in our brains from an early age – voices that, without critical inquiry, we often confuse as our own.
I dream of a return to the Commons and a world where all living beings have equal access to the necessities of life, including laughter, rest, creativity, and joy.
Even though I didn’t always have the words, this dream has been the undercurrent of all of my pursuits from an early age.
I attended a funeral service recently where the cause of death was described as ‘cognitive heart failure’.
The speaker hesitated on the words and (admirably in my culturally-conditioned perfectionist opinion) moved on.
My OCD brain tucked it away for chewing on after the service. Its first task to remember what the correct word could be.
True to nature of course, my brain woke me up in the middle of the night to tend to unfinished business. What did he mean by “cognitive heart’?
You’ve probably already surmised that the intended word was “congestive.” In fact, had I typed it instead of tucking it away for my brain to chew on later, autocorrect might have saved me some sleep.
As it was, I woke in the wee hours of the morning to muse about a cognitive heart.
The cognitive heart – it’s really a lovely concept, don’t you think?
I believe we all have one.
It’s the part of us that knows without words, without ‘executive function’, that knows from a primal and somatic place.
Our cognitive hearts may speak to us as a niggling that we just can’t put our finger on. Something we just can’t put words to. A niggling that tucks a misspoken word in a eulogy away for future reference.
Could it be that my cognitive heart was awakened when my brain was honestly a little fidgety and distracted in the discomfort of having to sit still and quiet in an uncomfortable chair at a funeral for someone I didn’t know?
We tend to think of cognition as an activity centered in the brain. But in fact Oxford Languages defines “cognition’ as the mental action or process of acquiring knowledge and understanding through thought, experience, and the senses.
Thought, experience, AND the senses….
Tying in Somatics
This definition is helpful to me in describing something that is often difficult to describe: the concept of somatics and somatic practices,
Here’s my take:
Our cellular DNA holds the map and history of generations that have gone before. We are composed of the same elements as the earth, sea, and sky. Every experience we have lived is imprinted on our cells.
Somatics is the practice of connecting to the wisdom and resources of the body. It is the practice of listening and learning. It allows us to move towards more authentic and aligned action.
It’s not exclusively about intellectual thought and executive function – though of course the brain is part of the entire ecosystem of the body.
Somatic practices can be valuable in creating a coherent and integrated nervous system, allowing us to act in a more authentic, aligned, and peaceful way.
It isn’t so much about avoiding ‘negative’ emotions or experiences. It’s more about creating the conditions for navigating a full spectrum of emotions and experiences from an expanded range of capacity, without dissociating or checking out.
Our organs, our cells, our limbs, our senses, have as much to offer in the way of wisdom as the brain. They are equals in an integrated somatic system.
I lean into the work and wisdom of Prentis Hemphill in exploring somatics and somatic practices. I am currently listening to their audiobook What It Takes To Heal and it feels like floating in a warm tub.
When my personal coach introduced somatic practices into our sessions, I noticed the change immediately without knowing intellectually what exactly had changed. I could feel healing happening, slowly, incrementally, potently, in a way that wasn’t accessible to me with more traditional talk therapy.
Somatics allowed me to connect to my body and its wisdom, in slow, doable steps that actually begins with remembering that I have a body that needs tending – that’s just how powerful my brain has become in managing my life. It tries to distract me from what’s going on below the neck as a means of protection, an overactive safety mechanism that I no longer need to survive. (Sorry brain, I love you but..)
At this stage, my body and my brain are in a tentative and new relationship of discovering interdependence and co-creation. I may be in my crone years, but this relationship is as new and exciting (and sometimes frightening) to me as I imagine it might be to a child.
It is reshaping my perspective and my relationships with myself, with others, and with my world.
(And, as an aside, it is reshaping my ideas about dusting off the Caucus of Crones to invite more participation, more vibrancy, more connection where connection is so desperately needed, but that is for another email. If you’re interested in knowing more before the next newsletter lands, drop me a note.)
What would life look like if we paid more attention to our cognitive hearts?
I’m curious to know what resonates with you, and invite your comments.
For now, I’m going back to the pool, back to the warm float, back to birds, to offer my brain a rest and cultivate a deeper relationship with my cognitive heart.
Sending you love from the unceded territory of the Algonquin Anishnaabe People on the banks of the Kitchi Zibi,
? Capitalism vs. Commerce ? Nervous System Basics ? Knowing your Needs ? Dynamic Boundaries ? Truth Aligned Leadership ? Cultivating Rhythms of Care ? Connecting to Joy & Pleasure ? Essential Service – right time/size/pace/relationship ? & more as we follow the breadcrumbs together
Each monthly live call will include a check-in, a lesson, and an essential practice that you can integrate into your day.
Calls will be recorded and posted in the private space, so you can take your time.
Self-Centred draws on the teachings of many world-changers whose work will be named and referenced in the call notes, so that you can dig deeper as your capacity allows.
Kin Keepers’ Haven is a consensual, collaborative, co-creative space for culture makers, caregivers, and world changing witches to unlearn systems of harm and support each other.
Our best classroom is each other. We welcome members’ feedback to add offerings, make adjustments, and course-correct as required.
Self-Centred in the Kin Keepers’ Haven is a space for us to Unlearn Capitalism & Soothe Our Nervous Systems
Capitalism and all systems of oppression rely on our disconnection for their survival.
Connection is the antidote.
When we slow down and listen to our bodies, to nature, and to each other, we remember our enoughness; We remember our needs, and can ask for them to be met; We are able to sustainably give from an overflowing cup; to support each other, and thrive, So we can return to a place where every living being has equal access to abundance, joy, justice, and liberation.
Becoming Self-Centred is a powerful healing power move for all versions of us that have been decentred by systems of harm.
Becoming Self-Centred creates space for others to thrive, because your boundaries are dynamic and healthy and clear
Becoming Self-Centred is a lifelong process of learning & unlearning
Self-Centred in the Kin Keepers’ Haven is a space for us to unlearn capitalism and soothe our nervous systems.
Join Self-Centred in the Kin Keepers’ Haven to explore:
? the difference between Capitalism & Commerce ? Nervous System Basics ? You’ve got needs! ? Dynamic Boundaries ? Truth Aligned Leadership ? Cultivating Rhythms of Care ? Connecting to Joy & Pleasure ? Essential Service – finding right time/size/pace/relationship ? and more as we follow the breadcrumbs together
Each monthly live call will include a check-in, a lesson, and an essential practice that you can integrate into your day.
Calls will be recorded and posted in the private space, so you can take your time.
Self-Centred draws on the teachings of many world-changers whose work will be named and referenced in the call notes, so that you can dig deeper as your capacity allows.
We begin Saturday March 2 with our first live call at 1:30 pm Eastern Time.
When you join today as a Founding Member, you will have access to the Kin Keepers’ Mighty Networks space to connect with other members and join live calls such as:
? Held: an intimate and brave space for reclaiming our lineage and honoring the land (hosted by Trevia)
????? the Caucus of Crones (hosted by Janine) a space for Culture Makers and Haven Members over the age of 50 to cackle, collaborate, and cultivate change.
?? Weekly Coworking Sessions
? Moon Circles to set intentions for the month ahead and connect to nature
?Monthly Stitch n Bitch Sessions where members come together to craft and crab (no judgment)
??Monthly Grief Circles to allow our grief to move & make room for more joy in our lives
Kin Keepers’ Haven is a consensual, collaborative, co-creative space for culture makers, caregivers, and world changing witches to unlearn systems of harm and support each other.
Our best classroom is each other. We welcome members’ feedback to add offerings, make adjustments, and course-correct as required.
From the Self-Centred Newsletter January 20, 2024 – what I’m reading, writing and wrestling with
Happy New Year to all those who celebrate.
Personally, my body prefers the Spring Equinox as a more natural new year.
Winter is for hibernating, resting, warm soups and slow yesses.
That’s all to say, I get to wish you Happy New Year again on Tuesday March 19 at 11:06 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Winter readies us for spring.
I like to think that I’m preparing the soil of my being for spring planting at the turn of the real new year.
As well as launching a business, but in a slow-yes kind of way that’s actually working. I can honestly say that cohosting and participating in this space is giving me joy.
So, even though the Gregorian calendar has rolled into a bigger number, and tax returns are a thing I should be thinking about, it’s still winter here at crone central, and while there’s shit to get done, I remain in a place of hibernation, trying to rest and replenish and integrate.
My dear friend and business partner, Trevia Woods, is very busy with her graduate studies in social work, and I am trying somewhat successfully to refrain from distracting her, so I thought I’d tell all of you about what’s been going on here. (Hi Trevia!)
So you get to hear about what I’m reading, what I’m writing, who I’m listening to (and who I’m not listening to)…
What I’m Reading:
I chose the wording with intention because I find that my attention span and focus for reading has diminished greatly over the years, likely due to an overdependence (I didn’t say addiction) to screens and devices.
So, I am in the middle of reading a lot of books. (Which sounds better than saying I can’t finish a book because I’m addicted to my devices. Indulge me.)
Here is a sampling of what I have on the go. The ones that are really lighting me up:
Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver: from one of my all time favourite authors (I’ve read and reread Prodigal Summer and will inevitably read it again, to the end even. Curiously, most of my friends list the Poisonwood Bible as their all time fav, but after three times trying (so far because I am no quitter, except when I am) I can’t remain engaged. I just read something about the plotline recently that made me think I should give it a go again. This book was a 2023 Christmas gift; yes, it’s been more than a year, but the story is so memorable and vivid I know I can pick it up again without having forgotten a thing. (The Lacuna is right up there too; I may add it back to my read-again list)
The Overstory by Richard Powers: this one is an epic piece of ecofiction, brilliantly written and constructed. I’m almost done, I’m in the place where you put the brakes on the reading because you don’t want it to end, but you really want to know how it ends, if it ends. One of the characters is based on my grrl crush, Diana Beresford Kroeger who you may have heard me rave about before and likely will again.
Which brings me to book number three: To Speak for the Trees: also an unfinished read. Diana’s story is amazing and magical and you should listen to her interview with Jane Fonda here.
Next up is the five volume series called Kinship: Belonging in a World of Relations (spoiler alert, they’re not all human relations) One of the editors is Robin Wall-Kimmerer, another grrl crush. I haven’t done more than unwrap the set and smell the pages, but I’m very excited about getting into it. I have listened to a couple of the Kinship Podcast episodes available on the website, and found them to be very compelling.
Speaking of podcasts, here’s what I’m listening to:
I honestly know nothing about Maria M, but I go where Jessica goes. Listening to her here has given me more hope for being able to remain engaged in the world and contribute to changing it for the better when all the horrible things happening activate the natural instinct to turn away.
Except that nothing will change if I turn away and I so desperately want the world to change.
What I heard Jessica Say was that, especially those of us who are empaths and sensitives need to increase our capacity to hold difficulty and grief and still remain functional in the world. That’s trauma healing.
And that makes a lot of sense to me. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.
I like to think of myself as a good socialist, or at least an aspiring socialist, and as such I have often adopted the stand of my socialist comrades, sometimes without passing it through the lens of critical thinking. Embarrassing as it is to admit.
One of the most popular and prevalent tenets of the socialists in my neck of the world is that the answer to the question of Israel’s existence relying on genocide in Palestine is a two-state solution.
Suffice it to say, after listening to Sumaya Awad in this podcast, I no longer believe that.
If you feel compelled to give these episodes a listen, or you’ve read these books, I’d love to know what you think.
Wrestling:
As far as what I’ve been wrestling with, it’s all in there – time changes, season changes, the refusal of the colonial capitalist patriarchy to recognize or honor that we are creatures of nature and should be able to follow those natural rhythms rather than be endlessly extracted from to keep the economy rolling, how to live in the world without contributing to its destruction, boundaries, grief, unlearning, creating kinships of all kinds, and finishing books.
I hope that you are finding ways of walking in the world without disconnecting from it, the ways of feeding your bodies, minds, and souls, so you can thrive.
Because my loves, the world needs you.
That’s why you’re here.
Hello!
I’m Janine. My pronouns are she/her.
I am an anti-capitalist crone, post-trauma growth coach, and consensual copywriter.
I strive daily to identify and unlearn the voices of white heteronormative patriarchy that are insidiously planted in our brains from an early age – voices that, without critical inquiry, we often confuse as our own.
I dream of a return to the Commons and a world where all living beings have equal access to the necessities of life, including laughter, rest, creativity, and joy.
Even though I didn’t always have the words, this dream has been the undercurrent of all of my pursuits from an early age.
Join the Caucus of Crones in the Kin Keepers’ Haven
Are you over the age of 50? Do you identify as femme or non-binary? Are you a culture maker, caregiver, kin keeper, world changing witch? Do you crave a space for cultivating leadership and authority around age & aging? the Caucus of Crones may be the space for you
We live in cultures that devalue & erase us as we age:
Cultures that prevent us from being accepted, valued, and seen for our authentic selves????????
Cultures that make us invisible & hyper-visible all at the same time.
Cultures that have robbed us of access to elders as it was available in pre-colonial, pre-capitalist and pre-individualist times???????
Where institutional memory is intentionally erased & buried to concentrate power in the capitalist patriarchy????????
Imagine creating a future landing space for generations to come
As elders, we hold an immense resource of wisdom & experience that should be documented, protected, cultivated, disseminated, and shared????????.
The Caucus of Crones is an online space hosted in the Kin Keepers’ Haven to:
step into our full power & agency as elders
reclaim our ancestral legacy????????
celebrate and honor who we are and how far we’ve come????????
resist ageism in all its destructive iterations
release strategizing, manipulating, conforming, bargaining, or diminishing ourselves in order to find acceptance????????
collaborate and create ways for doing it differently
support & encourage each other
What is the Caucus of Crones?
We gather online in the Kin Keepers’ Haven
Previously hosted in Kelly Diels‘ Gathering space, the Caucus of Crones is now open to members of the Kin Keepers’ Haven aged 50 and over.
Crone Calls are scheduled for the second Thursday of the month at Noon and 7 pm Eastern. These calls will include a brief check-in and somatic practice to land in the space, followed by a discussion focused on issues of age and aging in late-stage capitalism.
Group coaching calls are scheduled for the third Thursday of the month at noon and 7 pm Eastern. A time to receive and give mutual support. Bring something you’re grappling with to the wisdom of the collective cauldron.
You are welcome to attend one or both calls each day.
Recordings will be posted for you to view at a later time if you are not available to attend live.
Winter is a time for slowing down, enjoying the fruits of the sunny seasons, resting and reflection. It’s a time for sinking deep into our crafts and sharing in front of our fires. It’s a time to feel, play, sleep and reflect. It’s a time for small rituals and meaning making. It’s a time to grieve and enjoy our blessings.
Busyness and Chaos Simply Don’t Serve Us
Modern holidays in late stage capitalism demand impossible social media standards, and glorify spending in a time when the cost of living has risen.
It keeps busy and distracted, with all the baking, planning, shopping, spending.
It’s an intentional recipe for failure that pulls us into an endless loop that serves capitalism and really doesn’t serve us at all.
There’s no time to reflect and rest in the capitalist holiday calendar; no time to build resilience to remain grounded when the people around us might not feel that way , set boundaries, or find contentment in the slow season of darkness.
We end up tired, depleted, and often broke.
Not exactly that Norman Rockwell scenario we strive to recreate.
Here is your invitation to step out of the cycle together this season
Give yourself the gift of time to remember what really calls to YOU at this time, and allow space to create it over the next month.
We have created a space in the Kin Keepers’ Haven for you to set intentions, come back to your body, honor grief, and find belonging over the holidays; a space to share ideas about how we can celebrate and honor this sacred time of the year with joy; a space to create and practice small rituals, co-regulation and connection; a space to support the way you want to feel through all the season.
Meet your Hosts:
Trevia (TREE-va) Woods (she/her) I live and work on the traditional land of the Eno, Tutelo, Saponi, Occaneechi, Shakori, and the Tuscarora past and present, colonially renamed Hillsborough, North Carolina, USA.
I am a mixed-race woman with two decades of experience in bodywork, education and community-building. I support people in building community, unpacking cultural appropriation, and assisting people with unpacking cultural appropriation. I also help Culture Makers share their magic with the world, sustainably, so they can thrive along with their clients.
I love plants and books, and I’m a mom to a blended family of 5 boys & 1 VERY cute dog.
Janine’s caring, insight, and crone energy brings me life! Janine brings fun and vulnerability to our friendship and partnership each time we meet. I know she’s in my corner and shows up to support me however she can. We love merging our strengths together as a collective, and exploring ways to break out of the cycles of late stage capitalism.
Janine Bertolo (she/her) I live and work on the unceded territory of the Algonquin Anishanaabe People, colonially renamed Gatineau, Quebec, Canada.
I’m an anti-capitalist crone, certified post trauma growth coach, and political junkie who helps humans to identify and unlearn the voices of systemic oppression that are planted in our brains from an early age. I long for a world where all living beings have equal access to the necessities of life, including laughter, rest, creativity, and joy.
I love to read, paint, watch birds, and prowl the countryside with my partner and our rescue pup (who’s also pretty darn cute!)
Trevia introduced me to the concept of a slow yes and I will be forever grateful to her for that. She holds space for me to be me, unfiltered and vulnerable, silly and joyful, angry and determined, grieving and celebrating, all of it.? I’m excited to be partnering with her to host the Kin Keepers’ Haven and continuing to follow our slow yes together in this cauldron.
Over the month of December we have planned gatherings to:
set intentions
honor grief, and let it move through us
share experiences
body double to craft and cook
share our holiday traditions with one another in our online container. (Trevia will be sharing her Yule traditions)
and close the season with reflection and intention setting for the New Year
With full permission to participate and opt out of any and all activities to honor your capacity.
Weekly calls on Wednesdays at 12pm & 7pm EST. First call is Dec 6th. Last call for New Year intention setting is on Jan 3rd; calls will be recorded and available for viewing throughout the month.
At least two body doubling sessions most likely on Saturdays to craft and cook something we want to bring into our season.
You will have access to the Kin Keepers’ Haven to share and learn together in our online container hosted by Mighty Networks.
With a founding member’s investment of $30 monthly in your country’s currency (priced with joy and justice to honor your cost of living)
We look forward to seeing you in the Kin Keepers’ Haven for Intentional Holidays!
We are creating a co-creating a space that centers healing from misogyny and working towards a future where we can have spaces that can include all people without harm.
This is multigenerational transformation. This is a brave space for those who have been most harmed by misogyny to do the work of reclaiming our authenticity and dismantling all forms of oppression.
Do you identify as a cisgendered man? Please email us at kinkeepershaven@gmail.com with other options to work with us one on one.
I’m learning a lot these days, living an isometric life. Allow me to share a glossary of terms:
neu·ro·plas·tic·i·ty (no?or?pla?stis?d?) Noun the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning or experience or following injury.
i·so·met·ric (?s??metrik,??z??metrik) adjective 1. of or having equal dimensions. 2. PHYSIOLOGY relating to or denoting muscular action in which tension is developed without contraction of the muscle.
Prehabilitation: the process of improving the functional capability of a patient prior to a surgical procedure so the patient can withstand any postoperative inactivity and associated decline. In other words, to get you to a betterplace physically before an operation. (American College of Physicians and Surgeons)
Isometric Life:
I’m waiting for knee replacements that may take up to a year and a half to happen, two years before rehab hopefully allows me to move freely in the world under my own steam. If it works…
Digesting and integrating that possibility has been, well, it’s been a lot.
Neuroplasticity:
My default brain* thinks things such as “I can’t wait two years to have my life back” “my body is broken” “my life is over because I can’t move the way I used to”
Bringing curious inquiry into those thoughts has been vital for my mental health.
Is this thought really true?
There’s a lot of internalized ableism embedded in that kind of thinking that could use some unpacking.
What are the ways of easing into kinder, gentler thoughts about my body, where it is, right here and now?
Where do I find life, right here, right now, in this body?
How can I bring myself to a better place?
Healing happens in community.
I believe this with all my heart, even if my head resists it.
It is so valuable to have someone to share my thoughts with, vulnerably and unedited. I am grateful for a partner who can be that someone for me, as well as beloved friends and practitioners. It takes a village.
Speaking my default thoughts into existence allows them to be transformed.
On the day that I got the news about the long wait for surgery, I sat on the treatment table with my physiotherapist and had a big snotty cry.
(Also want to speak to the value of big, snotty, public crying, whether it’s out of joy, or grief, hope, hopelessness, or because of a beautiful piece of music…. yes, I am a crier. Please pass the tissues.)
Prehab/Rehab:
The big snotty cry in question started when I voiced the idea of waiting two years for my life to begin.
(It’s interesting to watch people respond to big, snotty, public cries – the physio intern asked me if I needed to be alone, to which I replied, no, but if my big, snotty, cry makes you feel uncomfortable, feel free to move somewhere that feels more comfortable for you. He stuck around.)
My physiotherapist and the sweet intern helped me to begin unpacking that default thinking that surely does nothing to serve me, to look at the ways of living in my body, right here, right now.
And they introduced me to the concept of ‘prehab’
It’s a word I hadn’t heard before, and it’s so much more hopeful than the fatalistic ‘my life is over before it’s begun’ default voice in my head.
Living, stretching, strengthening, expanding, in the body I have now is prehab.
It’s paving the way to what comes next, whatever that may be. It makes what comes next easier to integrate.
Body Prehab
Then I thought “hey, maybe I’m in prehab for my brain too” but my physiotherapist explained that when referring to a chronic condition, the correct term to use is rehabilitation.
So, rewiring my brain is in fact rehab because it’s addressing an existing chronic condition. Ouch, and okay. I can live with that.
Thankfully, there’s neuroplasticity.
Easing into the thoughts and ideas around living, stretching, learning, expanding in the body I have now.
Brain Rehab.
Stocking my pantry:
I was introduced to the concept of a movement pantry by Hannah Husband, body liberation coach (I cannot recommend Hannah’s Seedling Strength program more)
The idea is to create an individual movement pantry with a wide variety of options, allowing you to plan movement meals and create spontaneous movement snacks during the day, choosing from bespoke variety of movements that work for your body after checking in
(that’s the liberation part – traditional strength training relies a lot on metrics and averages, rules that apply in general, but don’t really work for individual bodies, especially when that body is senior, fat, femme, disabled and experiencing chronic pain)
I love this concept.
I mean, really. Food and cooking are definitely two of my love languages, so this metaphor totally works.
(I bought a rainbow recipe box to create a personal little movement library but haven’t actually gotten to doing that yet. Hello perfectionist procrastinator. I love you.)
Hannah has the unique gift of describing strength training concepts in a relatable, non-jock (that’s me) kind of way. She combines nervous system science, strength training, and body liberation in a way that makes movement accessible for me, in this body, here and now.
(and p.s. – REST is a movement pantry staple as well. Thanks Hannah!)
Speaking of accessible:
Being able to recognize my needs, to ask for those needs to be met, to admit I don’t know something and ask for help (aka trauma healing) has allowed me to feel hope in what otherwise might feel like a hopeless situation, to add practices and movements and mobility aids into my life right here and now that allow for expansion in small (really the tiniest) but significant steps towards healing, in my mind, body, and soul, and regardless of where my body is now or where it will end up.
I now have a walker. I’m learning to make friends with it.
It’s kind of mortifying to be honest, because it makes my disability visible.
But also kind of cool, partially because I am a nerd and I love gadgets, but mostly because it meets my body where it’s at.
I can sit and rest after an embarrassingly small number of steps, that is actually three times the number of steps I can do without it, so win.
And I have been able to walk out of my driveway under my own steam for the first time since moving to this house four months ago. Liberation titrated.
I have a mini pedal exerciser that sits on the floor to use while sitting.
One of my favorite means of transport before the arthritis and pain prevented it was bicycling.
I currently do not have the range of flexion/extension in my knees to allow a full rotation of bike pedals, nor do I have the balance to stay upright on a bike.
I was horrified to discover that I can’t sit a full-size exercise bike with both feet on the pedals, I just don’t have the flexibility to do that anymore.
But I CAN put both feet in the stirrups of the little floor pedaler and move less than a quarter of the way round, forward and back.
It’s really hard to get my body in position to do that, but I’ve noticed that this less than a quarter round the pedal movement feels GOOD when I’m done, because it’s working the muscles without loading my knees.
The old and rigid ‘ride or die’ thinking is still strong in me, but most of the time I am able to look at this little machine as a friend and it definitely helps to think of the small movements as prehab rather than failure.
Isometrics have also become a staple in my movement pantry.
Strengthening by way of “tension developed without contraction of the muscle.”
Isometrics. It’s a metaphor for life in this body, here and now, just as it is.
It may look like not much is going on from the outside, but there’s a lot of movement happening. In my body, mind, and soul.
Thanks for allowing me to share what’s real and vulnerable and active in my life right now.
I hope that you are able to find ways of moving from a stuck place – whether that’s physical, emotional, or intellectual – to a place of spaciousness, more hope, and more joy in your life, right here and now.
And if there’s anything I can do to assist you with that, hit me up.
* the language of the “default brain” comes to me via the transformative and healing work of Sarah Peyton, neuroscience educator, constellations facilitator, certified Nonviolent Communication trainer and author who invites audiences into a compassionate understanding of the effects of relational trauma on the brain, and teaches about how to use resonance to change and heal.
The full moon arrives on August 11 at 9:36 p.m. in the Eastern time zone.
I always look forward to Sarah Kemp’s Moonlight and Manifesting full moon guided practices (via Patreon.com – you can follow without subscribing to read public posts). If you’re interested, you can find all of Sara’s offerings here.
It’s also Perseid season…. have you seen streaks of light in the night sky? You’re not imagining things! The meteor shower will reach its peak in the early morning August 13, but if you have clear skies, the brightness of the full moon might make viewing difficult.
Either way, there’s magical light falling on us this week.
I have such fond memories of discovering quite accidentally that meteor showers are a thing, one hot summer night in 1987 while on community retreat. After most were in bed, a few friends gathered on the lake shore to wind down and enjoy the summer evening. We counted over 200 shooting stars that night and I was forever hooked.
I love to think about the cyclical timing of the universe that carries us on our annual trip around the sun, through belts of cosmic debris that burn up on hitting the Earth’s atmosphere.
Scientific and magical all at the same time.
This month’s newsletter follows the format set by the 3 Questions with Kat & Val podcast, a weekly delight that asks, “What’s bringing you joy?” “What’s moving around for you?” and “What are you learning?”
I look forward to Tuesdays when Kat and Val release new episodes.
What’s bringing me joy? – Breakfast Bowls (lunch and dinner bowls – aka salads – too): I love vegetables. I love fresh. I love the abundance of fresh local and delicious produce available to us during the summer. And I love being able to* toss a random combination of things into a bowl for a healthy, nutritious and delicious meal. This morning’s breakfast bowl consisted of tomatoes grown by my partner in our yard (you can taste the sunshine in them!), sprouts, arugula, lettuce, green onion, avocado, fried eggs and cooked ham. So.fucking.delicious.
*Okay, more accurately, my lovely partner does the tossing, the shopping, the cooking, and the bowl assembly, not me. And this too brings me joy.
Being able to listen to your body’s needs and honour them; to be able to ask someone to source the ingredients and prepare them, is a sign of a healthy nervous system. I haven’t always been there, and having regained the capacity for this also brings me joy.
– Ms. Marvel is delight. It brings me joy, and if it doesn’t bring you joy, I don’t want to hear about it.
– Learning and creating new things – I created a guided practice for orienting to your space and cultivating safety. Learning to use the audio conversion and mixing software, searching for background music and integrating it was… well it was fun!
You can listen and download the new thing I made here.
What’s moving around for me? The non-binary nature of consent: and by this I mean recognizing that all-or-nothing perfectionist thinking has infiltrated my brain so that I deem any level of discomfort around something new as non-consensual.
This is simply not true and, more importantly, this internalized messaging keeps me in a state of freeze or stasis, unable to move or grow or expand, even when I desire it.
Without curious inquiry, this dynamic plays out in my life around chronic pain and mobility, around relationships, community-building and justice work. The discomfort of stretching into new places of learning and growing is not self-harm.
I am finding the work of Betty Martin and the Wheel of Consent very helpful in unpacking this. You can learn more about it here.
The concept of dirty pain versus clean pain described by Resmaa Menakem in this article also speaks to this idea, and is something that I am digesting and integrating:
“When people respond from their most wounded parts, become cruel or violent or run away, we experience dirty pain” (Menakem, R., 2017, pg. 20). When we avoid pain and discomfort, we also create more of it for ourselves and for others. To heal collectively, we must be willing to engage and feel clean pain.”
The most recent teachings explore self-worship as an act of radical permission, including developing decadence practices for ourselves.
There are some sticky bits around this for me.
In answer to a question about how to cultivate self-worship, adrienne marie brown suggested taking time to look at the moon the next time it’s full.
Notice that the surface of the moon is not smooth; it’s pockmarked by asteroids that have collided with it. The moon has a face because of those shadows; the moon has acne scars.
The moon never apologizes for its shadows because they are the story of its shaping, of its being.
The shadows tell the story of what’s shaped us, what we’ve overcome, what we have survived. Each of us is a miraculous being. The shadows shape us. They don’t have to be in charge.
Each of us is a luminous full moon, comprised of shadow and light, unique and precious and invaluable to the whole.
Taking this one to heart.
What am I learning? See above; it’s all in there.
Offered with love,
Janine
I am a post-traumatic growth and somatic coach who helps people heal & find ease from trauma that gets stuck in the body so they can live more fulfilled & authentic lives.
I create a safe, consensual, nurturing space for exploring, excavating, and healing, allowing what’s been stuck to move through and out.
?????I love to work with humans to transform individual and collective trauma that disconnects us from the wisdom of our bodies, and keeps us from living joyful, connected lives.???????????????????
It’s been way more than a minute since I’ve written. And we’re back in retrograde season. Fasten your seatbelts! Or maybe even better, slow down.
I’ve been doing some pretty deep humaning since writing to you last, and HUMANING IS HARD.
So, with your indulgence I’m going to time travel back to March to share something I began to write then. Something that still feels relevant and potent for me today.
And maybe you can relate…
(this one is longish – you may want to grab a cup of tea)
There is a voice in my head calling the shots – my manager. She isn’t who am anymore. But her voice is still loud and bossy and dominant.
It makes sense that she feels that way. She was running the show up until three years ago, and that means she ran the show for 58 years.
She did the very best she could.
But she drew some illogical conclusions from the data that resulted in some pretty unhealthy and unsupportive strategies for living that go like this:
I can’t trust anyone, so I must do everything myself or it won’t be as good, or it won’t get done
Doing everything by myself makes me really angry; it’s a lot of work and I wish there was someone who could help carry the load
Suck it up, get ‘er done, pain is weakness, needing others is weakness
Moving cyclically through hypervigilance (trying to control all the variables) to freeze (total non-functional depression, eat, sleep, work, walk the dog, binge eat, binge watch, fall asleep, repeat)
Knowing that dismantling racism, colonialism, the patriarchy, capitalism, colonialism is the work I want to contribute to
Thinking the way to do that is by going to war, politically and energetically, fighting our way to peace, fighting my body, my nature, my blueprint essence
As you can imagine, navigating life according to those rules is a lot of work and extremely extractive. Three years ago, I reached the point where I had nothing left to give – to my work, my family, my partner, my self, my dreams.
My cup was bottomed out. Empty.
My self-centred intention for 2022 is to focus on chronic pain and mobility issues, to find more ease and capacity in my body. To put myself first and to let everything else fall into place from that centred ground.
So, I gifted myself with a series of Rolfing sessions, to massage the muscles and fascia not only where the pain happens, but all over the body. The goal is to fix and retrain posture and structure so that your body can correct any lingering imbalances causing the pain.
It is common for this treatment to bring up emotions and experiences that have become stuck in the body (aka trauma), so I also gifted myself a series of sessions with coach/therapist/magician/world changing witch to accompany through the process.
The week in question, my coaching session “homework” was to find ways of lightening up on myself by 4%. Because 3% seemed like not enough and 5% felt like too much. 4% felt doable.
The week following the time change to Daylight Savings, I decided it would be a good idea to:
Eliminate coffee from my diet AND dairy AND begin a bean protocol to expunge toxins from my body AND have a rolfing session AND it was the two year anniversary of the pandemic lockdown AND AND AND…
Go big or go home, right? If DST was going to mess me up, might as well make it worth the ride, said my manager.
It didn’t take too long before my body started screaming at me. It sounded pretty much like many variations on “WTF?!”
One morning, when my partner was planning to make himself a half pot of coffee and an oat milk matcha green latte for me, I decided to ditch the oat milk latte and return to coffee, all dressed with coconut milk, cacao, a splash of maple syrup and a cinnamon stick. Black coffee messes with my gut. Coffee with all the things doesn’t. It was delicious, and I felt more human than I had all week.
I’m Italian. Pretty sure coffee is an ancestral food. Going with that.
Navigating stairs often hurts and is always slow for me and I am blessed with a partner who happily uses his movement breaks to deliver snacks and tea throughout my workday.
That afternoon while I was working in my downstairs office, preparing for a client session, my loving partner up and decided to do some resourcing of his own and took off in the car for a hike in the woods near a beautiful waterfall. He texted from the car to say he was on the way.
Without asking me if he could deliver tea or snacks beforehand.
My manager kicked in:
“HOW DARE HE?!
This kind of inconsiderate behaviour just confirms everything I know to be true about people and how you can’t depend on them.”
I observed the feelings of abandonment that came up in the moment, and then I laughed.
The manager would have created a crisis, held on to the feelings of abandonment until they festered into bitterness, and armed herself for a big fight whenever the bastard decided to return.
But me? Me now? She LAUGHED!
The truth was that there was plenty of time before my client session to wander upstairs to make a cup of tea. So that’s what I did.
And guess what? Nothing blew up and the world did not end.
That night I had a revision of a recurring childhood dream:
I’m in the back seat on a road trip with my parents sitting up front when they disappear but the car keeps driving out of control with no driver, so I must climb over the front seat, take the wheel and steer the car to safety.
(How obvious, right?)
The feelings in this recurring dream were consistent in childhood: fear and panic and terror.
This new dream was the same but different:
My partner and I were on a road trip, but somehow I was sitting in the back seat. He decided he had to take care of something important and left the vehicle. No drama on his part but the car was still running. So, I climbed over the front seat, took the wheel, parked the car and explored the streets of a new and unknown place to find him and let him know where the car was so we could resume our adventure when he was done with whatever it was he’d needed to do.
No fear, no panic, no terror. I felt calm and in control and resourced.
Could it be that my brain and nervous system were processing the niggle of abandonment I’d felt the day before? Letting the feelings move through my body instead of getting stuck?
I’m thinking yes.
The new me has been calling the shots for three short years, just 5% of the time I’ve been circling the sun in this body.
The new me is a virtual toddler.
Maybe it’s time to cut her some slack already. 4% is what feels doable for my nervous system.
Starting with a delicious cup of morning coffee that doesn’t mess with my gut.
And here’s the thing: starting to work with what feels doable, with 4%, seems to have opened so much more than 4% capacity for nervous system regulation and healing.
Those old voices, while not completely silent, don’t run the show anymore. I love and respect my manager for taking care of me for so long.
She has some wisdom. She’s part of the family. We talk, reminisce about the old days; I soothe her, and offer her some rest.
She seems to be good with that, and life feels so much more than 4% easier.
What are the ways that you might be easier on yourself?
By 1%, 2%, 3% or 4…. Whatever feels doable for you.
I encourage you to give it a try, and see what opens up.
I would love to hear about it if you’d like to share.
Wishing you self-centred peace and love,
Janine
Thinking of working with me?
A Future Planning Session is a great way to discover how it feels.
Give yourself the gift of an hour, in safe supportive space, to land in your body and focus in on want you’d like to create for yourself.
I’ll offer that space, some grounding practices, insights and suggestions.
I know the power of setting intentions and getting out of my own way to allow them to manifest and would be honoured to hold that kind of space for you.
Sessions are delivered by Zoom, priced at the introductory rate of $250.
